@JAKEBROWNIES
The Post-Times Journal Report
Reported, edited, and fact-checked by Jacob N. Brown
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A new video game from developer Avalanche Software (formerly called Mudslide Studios) has recently hit store shelves with many gamers and non-gamers opting out of the new Harry Potter experience. The game is known as Hogwart Legacy--but to many, it’s better known as Hogwash Leg-assy. Why, you ask, has a video game drawn so much controversy?
The answer is J.K. Rowlings bank account. The once-but-still-kind-of-mostly-beloved writer, mallard impressionist, and avid lover of surf and turf is expected to profit massively from the financial success of the game. Rowling has been heavily criticized in recent years for her open transphobia and also retrospectively adding unnecessary details to the canon of her famed Harold Potter series, primarily via Twitter and her now-defunct website, PotterBarn.com. This heinous series of intolerance and bothersome retconning includes:
To avoid filling Rowling’s pockets (reports have not yet confirmed she has pockets) with sweet royalties money, many have resolved to an historical form of protest known as “just not buying the thing” and urging others to do the same. Whether this will be an effective means for stopping Rowling from buying the world’s largest teapot (I know she’s had her eyes on it) is still highly debated at this time. One thing is certain: some people will be playing the game and other people will not. Should you play it? What am I, your mom? Why don’t you go consult what few wizards we have left in the world? Huh? All you could find was a grand wizard? And he was really racist? That’s what I thought. I bet the MMORPG Wizard 101 is starting to look really inviting right now. Side note--just something to think about--what does the K stand for in J.K. Rowling? Could it be short for KKK? Just something to think about…
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M3GAN | Film Review2/7/2023 Better AND more futuristic than Toy Story! A fun film for most of the whole family (not step daughters). Fortunately, moviegoers won’t have to watch the first two to understand this one. With that being said, we can’t wait for M4GAN!
US Kills Chinese Balloon2/6/2023 President Biden acted swiftly (about a week) after being debriefed on a humongous balloon floating around the US. The balloon was finally assassinated by a brave fighter jet flown by actor Thomas Cruise over water near the Carolinas (where the Carolinas are remains top-secret). Onlookers said the balloon put up a good fight, before it was ultimately exploded by the power of unadulterated American missile.
What exactly the balloon was doing floating over the US and what it was capable of are still a mystery, but some suspect it may have been equipped with communism. Some military officials have even speculated that the balloon was housing a nuclear bomb weighing three tons. Searching for answers to this frightening balloon encounter (not America’s first), Biden didn’t hesitate (he may have hesitated a little) to email China and see what exactly this balloon was about prior to shooting it down. He then denied their answer when the Chinese government claimed it was simply a stray balloon a child accidentally let go of at Shanghai Disney. It seems the secret nature of this balloon will not be escaping China’s succulent lips any time soon. While some people have criticized Biden’s orders to destroy the balloon, others celebrate its violent death. Critics have been fussing that the balloon was robbed of due process. This hasn’t stopped supporters from sailing out into the ocean to spit on the balloon's torn remains, thus rendering the surrounding water wet with spittle. A funeral service for the perished Chinese balloon will be held on Tuesday. The results are in--people are not very much excited for current president Joseph Robinette Biden and used-to-be president Donald Joseph Trump to go head-to-wrinkled-head again for the upcoming election (date TBD).
Biden has not yet announced his sequel campaign but those close to the elderly white man have claimed that he has been spending much more time than usual with his kickboxing trainer. One can only speculate how stingy a slap the president can produce. Meanwhile, Trump has already constructed a mech suit made of demolished casino pieces that he plans on battling Biden with in the presidential race. A spokesperson close to Trump said “battlemechs are kind of Donald’s thing now”. All this preparation and non-preparation while the people of the US simply want an executive order to raise Biden’s approval polls--but he’ll never do it. The truth of the matter is, people are just mostly kind of bored with old man combat. They’ve seen it all before; unfortunately James Cameron already confirmed he will helm four more sequels for the presidential saga. Hey Cameron! How about a sequel to Titanic already? |